have yourself a merry little christmas

I grew up with incredible Christmases. A house with not just one but sometimes four Christmas trees. To explain what it was like with such a huge wonderful family, two fireplaces, snowmen - everything. We had everything. Holidays were that time of year my Mother put out all of her Swarovski crystal and all the oriental rugs. The house was perfect, every bed and then some was full and Nat King Cole played on the stereo at the perfect volume.

It is because I had such perfection that I am completely at ease having a different experience now.

I've had a lot of strange Christmases in my adult life, and my plans this year, though dull, still bring me joy.

After College I tried to go home for the holiday. I was struggling to figure out how to pull everyone together again. I went home, I cleaned and decorated, and cleaned some more. I tried to but failed at pulling off the miracle my Mother had for dozens of years.

The past was perfect and gone, happiness wasn't going to happen until I moved on.

I married and spent a couple Christmases pretending I could fit in someone else's family. I learned how to bake some amazing cookies and perfected the art of throwing a huge over the top Christmas party. I even called it a Fezzywig. My ex grudgingly went along with it. I tried so hard to bring a little over abundance of the Holmes house into the lives of the people in my life. It was a small success but when my marriage ended so did the traditions I was struggling to make. In my heart I know I will Fezzywig again someday.

Faced with my first Christmas alone in the world I chose to travel. The experience was incredible and worth repeating over and over. It changed me, my values, how I feel this time of year - Everything, it changed everything. I have become a more self reliant and flexible woman where I was a very stubborn child afraid of change.

Part of this was accepting that wherever I am and whomever I am with, Christmas is glorious. I have never had a green man steel my tree and roast beast, but I got the same lesson.

The first year away it was a bit awkward for me, to be living with a host family where I felt like I was intruding in their Holiday. But I thought of the guests we loved having join us when I was growing up and I just melted into their hospitality. This open arm acceptance with too much food and community was the feeling that transcended Nat King Cole and the glitz of my childhood home near the holidays. It was home, completely home.

There was still so much to do, vegetables to cut, things to fuss over - everywhere. It always feels so wonderful to see the business necessary for spending time together being shared by the very hands that reap the benefit.

It gracious and lovely, and it happens even between strangers. That is Christmas.

I am not much of a fan of the giftyness of it all. This is a girl who once cried cause she thought he dog Beau was left out without a gift. The next year my parents put one of those ridiculous dog stockings up for him. I also properly freaked out when I though I didn't get the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" computer game I begged for. I had opened a roomful of gifts and it wasn't there. I lost it, yelled at my parents and cried. My mother told my brother Pete to give me what he had gotten me, it was the game. Not my best day. Wretched thing to do, but to me on that day, knowing where the gifts came from, I felt like no one listened. Of course my mother would set Peter up to be the hero, as if he needed yet another reason for me to adore him.

I remember thinking they all wasted their money on stupid things when all I wanted was that game and they didn't bother to get it for me. Trust me, I spent a lot of time not getting what I wanted - thankfully my parents knew better than to satiate a fickle child. This is my contrition, I should never have behaved that way. But maybe that's what happens when there is just so much of everything and my child-mind was overwhelmed.

This year I will celebrate peace and quiet. I will have a nice run and probably go see a movie. I will spend the day packing for a New Year's trip to South Africa and reading a bunch of stuff I have been putting off until after the semester. And this year, for the first time ever on Christmas, I will be alone. I will be fine, but I know its not what people who love me want me to do. But I think the folks who know me get that this is just fine.

Its not that I will be visited by three ghosts - those ghosts got nothing on me. My life has been a race recently and this pause is needed, I assure you.

My life has been a walk down a long hall at some beautiful hotel. I started at one end opening doors. I spend a little time in each room and move on. Each room is unique with a different beautiful view. The room I am in now is far quieter than I am used to. But I know the noise will return in another room further down the hall. All those traditions and decorations I stored for future use rooms ago will appear again. Even the Swarovski crystal.

sweet nothings

There are so many things happening in the world right now and I am at a loss for words.

But I am sitting here struggling to say something.

Life is fragile, beautiful and brief. Nothing is certain.

These are times that clichés are born.

Nothing is certain.

Nothing.

All the more reason to be more patient with people.

I can’t be everywhere or do much to help this planet right now.

But I can be more patient with everyone.

I am going to try to counteract all of this uncertainty and grief with choosing to be kind. It is the smallest gesture but I am hoping in some phenomenon it helps.

The person pissing you off right now probably knows your pain, only it is as their own and can’t imagine you’ve had a dose.

Probably just projecting it another way, maybe at you.

I got angry last week and vented about not being treated fairly by a professor. But just now I thought of that man having just as much loss and pain in his life as all of us and it killed my anger.

Walking around thinking someone else is better off is a bit ignorant. Does the situation improve by getting angry with someone who properly deserves it? No, or at least not in my world.

Maybe I let the big picture effect me too much. Maybe I take the saying that life is too short too seriously. Whatever. Happiness is a choice, no one can give it to you.

They may want to, they can’t.

People I love call me silly, so be it.

People will be diagnosed with cancer. Young mothers will die. Wars will kill young people. Homes will be foreclosed on. And maybe life will pull you in so many directions that you haven’t been back to the place you were born in years.

These things will happen to each of us.

When it feels like the world is against you I will not be.

homeless in Athens

Last weekend I wandered around Ikea. The international mecca of nesting. I have to admit its quite easy to go in there on a budget and come out with a comfortable little apartment. Sure I wish I had the time and cash for more eclectic pieces, but with ten credit hours of law school and forty hours of work, I don't have time for everything I want. I need a functioning home so I can sit on Sunday afternoons procrastinating the writing a forced appellant brief by drinking coffee and reading news.

The number of homeless in Athens, Greece has risen by 25%. These are normal people who had homes, careers, dreams and ambition. These things are fragile and over the last two years austerity measures we read in headlines have not had a face. Middle class, educated men and women are desperate. It is scary and real and heartbreaking.

Last weekend while lost in the huge store full of mock up apartments I saw one that didn't make sense. My friend and I stopped and counted the beds. It was a five hundred square foot apartment with no less than eight sets of bunk beds. It was a genius work of lego-like perfection that made every inch work. There was a large-ish kitchen at the center with tons of seating, a closet like area, a small but well organized bathroom and the perimeter was all beds. I remarked to my shopping companion how odd it was and how it must have been a mock of a hostel. Could you imagine sixteen people living in five hundred square feet?

I cringe when I think of the movie Fight Club and how I am trying to get the coffee table that says something about me. Its all nonsense. Months ago I had no place of my own. Now I need just the right wall art.

That number, that %25 - its an under estimate and relief organizations say they can't account for the people cramming apartments and sleeping on couches.

Was Ikea demonstrating how to set up your own shelter?

Rethinking my apartment my front hall could be lined with lockers. My living room could sleep eight, my bedroom twelve. The closet could be an incredible pantry and everyone could store one trunk under the bottom bunk.

Ridiculous. But that is the function of a storyteller.

fortunate son

After a long process I found a home by July of this year. The building has its quirks but the neighborhood is completely what I sought. I have two rooms, a kitchen, a hall and a bathroom. For me, this is more than enough.

In the next few days I will attempt, and probably succeed, to get my little possessions down here. There is a bed I have missed dearly for eight months and books I can't wait to see happily shelved in my hall.

More than anything though is the "difference" of this move. It feels so settling. I don't intend to rent this place forever by any means, but there is something about getting where I was going.

There is also this incredible feeling of support for this move. I once had a night sleeping alone in a moving van somewhere in Delaware, I cried. This time some very generous people are making things so very lovely that I am actually looking forward to it.

One of these people made me an apple pie on my thirtieth birthday and wrote my name on it. I've missed him a lot and he's making me a moving pie.

Speaking of my thirtieth birthday, a friend made me a beautiful necklace which I have worn countless times since. I hope to see her at some point while I am in Albany for the day.

When I was carless and couldn't get home at Christmas, a friend took me out to his family's house for dinner. He's told me I am not allowed to worry about this nonsense, and he and his father are lending a hand. That whole "lending a hand" business is a huge understatement.

My roommate from China has been a wonderful help, she just so happens to be moving to DC and is splitting the stifling truck and gas costs with me.

Basically, I feel really lucky to have friends who love me. I've done this dance alone enough to know how good it feels to have more support than my shadow and a couple greasy dudes off craigslist.

It means the world to me. And the world is very large, after all.

the wind in the willows

I have been apartment hunting for weeks. It is an emotional draining process for a woman spread a bit too thin as it is. After years of a diaspora I didn't even have the energy to start, I want to go home.

I have belongings in multiple cities, an attic here, a garage there and a basement hours away from either.

I want to magnetize my cells and bring together what little bits are my life.

Not that I am consumed by my possessions, I have gotten rid of many many things over the last few years that I doubt I will ever miss.

I just ache for a picture on the wall of my family and to page through a comforting and familiar book. I little constance could do me well.

I worry my "making do" as I have for so long now has aged me. I crave peace and a little tranquility but the demands I put on myself in my scrambling for an education and career have had me playing more than hopscotch.

I need a lease. I need a very comfortable chair with my coveted quilt and large tea cup. I need to get it together. I have so many wonderful things in my life at the moment and I want to enjoy them from home.

Last night was a point of incredible confusion and ache for me. I was at a dinner party with people. I remembered the joy of just being home with friends and fussing over them.

It is the very nature of a Holmes to be home. I hope I find mine.

the biggest mistake of my life

Today, I had an another episode of "You're making the biggest mistake of your life!"

This occurs when someone who barely knows me looks at my choices and, instead of respecting them, throws themselves into my life, assumes my circumstances, and tells me I am making the wrong choice.

I don't know why this happens to me so often. I think people see potential in me and by their standards I am wasting it. I am a pretty approachable soul, so they seem to think it is their duty to take pity on me and correct my decisions.

While I am offended I thought I would reflect on some of the "Biggest mistakes of my life!"

First - the tattoos, every single dot of ink is part of me, I can't think of how they are mistakes. I do admit when I make mistakes, those aren't them.

Although there was a language barrier the sweet old Greek woman in Santorini made it clear that I should never have cut my hair so short. I wanted her to shave it, she refused. I loved that haircut, definitely not the biggest mistake of my life.

Dr. Margot Ip tried to convince me for over an hour that leaving her lab at Roswell Cancer Park was the biggest mistake of my life. I have never hated a job more than I hated that one, and I have had some ridiculous jobs. As amazing as cancer research is, leaving that behind me was not the biggest mistake of my life.

When my divorce attorney tried to tell me that not taking the man I loved to court over money was the biggest mistake of my life, I wanted to slap him in the face. I have a friend not an ex-husband. We grew up together, we did the best we could. Ignoring that attorney was not the biggest mistake of my life, hiring him might have been.

When I was a teenager I was in love with a boy and my family thought we were too serious. While they often just let me be happy others told me I was making a mistake. I cannot imagine a kinder soul to have been my first love, he was not the biggest mistake of my life.

Today, an attorney overheard that I want to spend my career in patent prosecution. With incredible passion they tried to "talk sense" into me about how I am wasting talent and "making the biggest mistake of my life."

I understand where they are coming from. Often I want to grab my niece or nephew and try to prevent them from making, what I think, are mistakes. But I am not them. I love them, unconditionally, but I am not them. I have my hands full living my life, I can't live theirs too.

While I make epic mistakes, I regret to inform that I have yet to make the biggest mistake of my life. I may not have the neatest, most orderly, existence - but its a beautiful mess.

To date, the mistake that ranks highest on the list of errors is the time I have lost. The time I have spent being sad, worrying, unappreciated, not myself, isolated, cold, hurt, or mean. I am not perfect, I have those times. If I could take all of that stress and unessesary self-inflicted pain and erase it, I would. I reconcile all of that into the thought that all of these "mistakes" and all of the time "lost" was the purchase price of who I am.

The only debts I have left to pay, are for a priceless education.

Worth every tear.

comforts

I am approaching six months out of a single suitcase.

I packed it back in December and I packed it pretty well.

I saw warmer and I saw colder, I saw suits and I saw sweats.

I had no idea where I would live, who I would see, what I would really need but I packed it.

I have so very little in this world I thought I would mention the things that I have travelled with me this year, the small possessions that have made this rover home.

___________

My grey wool coat. - Essential, as mother said - good coat and a nice hair cut makes a woman always ready.

Flops - stuffed rabbit, saved from a toy testing facility and certain death in 2007.

The green dress, I bought it for Marie Heberger's college graduation in 2007. I have worn it in over a dozen countries and lent it out over a dozen times. I will wear it this week to celebrate a person I love's 30th birthday. I paid too much for it when I bought it, more than $40.

Long beaded necklace made for me this past birthday by Mopsey Akey. She was the only one I trusted to tell it was my Birthday, she gave me a card written in Irish and the necklace she made me. It will forever be my reminder of turning 30, thanks Mopsey, I love it.

Teal hibiscus print L.L. Bean Bag given to me by my brother Peter something like a decade ago. Still holds the essentials, I lost count how may places I have dragged it.

Nelson Mandela book from Tim, one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. It breaks my heart not to have my books with me here, but when you have one good book from a friend it fills the void of a missing library.

Mouthguard: fitted to my mouth in 2004 when I mysteriously became hyper insomniac and started terribly grinding my teeth during the night. Prevents migraines and has lasted longer than any relationship I have ever had.

Back Pack: purchased in 2006, I spent way too much on it but I love it. Yesterday it just summited Rag Top in the Shenandoah park. It has summited multiple high peaks - in more than one hemisphere. Best $50 bucks I ever spent.

Asics running shoes.

One pair of soft pink, leather upper/bottom, size 6B BLOCH ballet slippers.

One pashmina purchased in 2008 from street vendor in NYC Chinatown for $3. Beige paisley washed until soft.

One silk dress purchased in 2009 for a date. Red, brown and purple pattern trimmed in black lace. Also well traveled, climbed caldera in Greece, walked beach in Ecuador. The most comfortable thing that ever touches my skin.

Various Cotton; baby blanket, favorite hoodie, favorite scarf (LeAnn made me buy it years ago), favorite t shirts.

That's about it. I'm 30 and really that's it. I moved between temporary addresses a couple weeks ago and it took one trip to a car.

But the people. Last month my oldest friend stopped up for a visit. My sister and her family too. Sleeping in the rooms above me right now are some of the world's finest friends. Today I had in- person conversations with no less than three essential people in my life.

And that's all I need!

exeunt.